It is what I’ve been involved around and in for 26 years.
I have always written about the story. I have clung to the story my entire life, as if it is a safety blanket full of excuses to self-destruct. How can a blanket of safety be a self-destruction mechanism, you ask? Insanity, that’s how.
It has been, poor Tasha, let me tell you all that I have been through, so you will understand why I am not performing at the rate I should. Let me tell you my excuses, so you will coddle me, and enable my excuses.
I am specifically not going to mention what I have been through, until I have made it out of the insanity. And only then it will be used to help others who are in similar darkness.
Tonight someone told me to love myself. In the same breath, they said that they love who I will be, more than who I am right now. I have sat on this for an hour or so… It just does not sit well with me. If I am to love myself, shouldn’t I love me right now, as much as I love who I will be?
I am me. In good and bad, in sickness and in health, until death do I part. I love me right now, with everything inside of myself. Just because I will look better and be better one day, does not mean I am not worthy of the same amount of love right now. Sure I will have more tools of how to love, and apply them as I go. But, I will always give myself 100% of the love I have. It is crucial to my journey.
With that said, I have mad love and respect for this person and do not hold any ill will. It just got me thinking… I deserve true love and real friendship in all aspects of who I am. Should people (including myself) enable my behavior? No, that contributes to the insanity. If they need space from me in bad times, I get that. That is respectable. But to not love me now, as much as they will love me in the future, is a mentality I totally reject.
It is part of the problem, not the solution.
The reason why this sits with me in such a powerful way, to actually cause me to revive my blog, is because I have been doing this to myself since I was young. I no longer wish to apply this mentality to myself.
I have said to myself:
“one day, when you are skinny..”
“one day, when you are pretty..”
“one day, when you are better..”
“one day, when you are smarter..”
“one day, when you are not who you are right now.. you will be loved”
TODAY, I am everything beautiful, I am everything capable, and I am everything deserving of total love.
Am I where I want to be mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually? No.
Am I going to get there? Yes.
Do I deserve to love myself as much right now, as I do when I get there? Absolutely.
So, here’s to knowing better, being better, doing better, & completely loving yourself the whole way.